It may not be ALL about sex but in this Valentine’s edition I’ll be introducing the hot topic of love and sex and all that goes on in between the two! In the following two editions leading up to June I’ll be highlighting concerns on the same theme.
Declaring oneself a sex therapist (or a sexólogo in Spanish), especially whilst engaging in polite conversation on an Easyjet flight between Gatwick and Malaga, will often evoke jaw-dropping curiosity. The fact is that both within and outside the consulting room people want to talk about sex whether or not they have a personal concern over it.
It isn’t science to interpret this interest in others’ lives, which are more easily palatable perhaps, as both a fascination and discovery of our own lives. For these are deep waters that have often never been truly plummeted even, or especially, in the context of our own intimate relationships. And therein lies the profession and why there is a sudden deluge of interest in sex therapy and what happens and is talked about in the sacred chamber of the consulting room.
Traditionally this has been the domain of Relate (“the relationship people” in the UK), but more and more people are upping the ante in terms of not just talking about the relationship but with an emphasis, or at the very least being able to feel that the therapist is comfortable with sexuality and that sex IS the relationship and visa versa – the two are inextricably intertwined. Sex therapy is undergoing a boom in the UK, in training courses and in the procurement of good qualified therapists. Relate’s waiting time to see a qualified psychosexual therapist is months.
So what is it? What do we do? Why this increasing hunger for information and awareness about sexual issues? The analogy with food is by no means a mistake. Sex is like eating: we need it for survival – well, most of us do – and, if we’re not getting it, it causes huge amounts of friction in a relationship or high anxiety in an individual who perhaps has a sexual dysfunction such as a fear around sex or a performance issue.
We are bombarded by the media that we should all be having lots of sex, multiple orgasms, hours of staying power, etc. And, whilst I disagree with these fantasies of perfection and impossible human standards that are unattainable in loving relationships of whatever duration, I empathise with the ordinary couple or individual who seeks me out because their relationship and sex life has broken down – usually one bringing down the other.
It is a terribly painful crisis but one that, with due care, attention and support, can avert separation or divorce or a realisation that it’s time to call it quits and end what was on the cards anyway. As a rule from my experience, probably an obvious thing to say, the quality and improvement of the relationship seems to be the foundation for better sex. This is a tough one generally for men to understand given that we are governed most of the time by sex as a way of connecting emotionally.
In my view the key to a successful relationship is self-awareness and awareness of the couple dynamics. We can get so bogged down with work, children, parents and illness, never mind pre-disposing conditions such as depression and anxiety, that we lose sight of each other. Things reach rock bottom when blame seems the only way out and self-awareness diminishes; it becomes just about a power struggle.
There are a myriad reasons why couples reach these desperate levels: infertility, affairs, addictions (more prevalently porn addiction or online chat rooms)… the list is endless. But what happens is that communication breaks down; the couple find themselves trying their very best to resolve the cracks but are going round and round in circles. It is often in these moments when typically the couple are out of sync with each other – sex has all but stopped, is erratic or the quality has become simply functional – that a couple or individual will present themselves for therapy.
A psychosexual therapist’s job is to get as much history as possible, a sexual and relationship timeline of each partner or, if an individual, the same; thus building up a picture of possible difficulties in relating. As an attachment-based therapist, in my experience the wounds that people are trying to work through are often their childhood struggles; the difficulty is that they are trying to work these out within a present-day relationship. Where psychosexual work comes into its own and takes couples’ work further is its practical nature. When sex is the battlefield I often say, stop holding it up as the gaol for now. Suspend it and let’s work on a programme to re-introduce intimacy. It is the last thing a couple wants to hear but at the same time it can come as a relief that someone is taking charge and it is okay to begin again trying to get on the same page as each other. Couples and individuals who take what is in effect a leap of faith can reap hugely beneficial rewards with each other. I see couples transform and become something that they never imagined. A new couple!
Although it may seem this first article is geared to couples, it isn’t; individuals can also benefit greatly from sex therapy, especially those with sexual dysfunctions, phobias, compulsive behaviours, etc.
Sex therapy is not a panacea – it’s a leap of faith, as I say – but I’ve yet to witness those who have been unable to change gear at some level. It often opens up to yet more food for thought but remember, no relationship is static: it is always a work in progress and involves the ability to live with its ups and downs lovingly and hopefully sexually.
by Richard Cruz
Richard Cruz lives in Estepona and is a counsellor and psychosexual therapist practising in Marbella and London.
Sex Therapy Marbella
Avenida Ricardo Soriano
Tel. (+34) 608 594 608
